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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23533462">there's a grief that can't be spoken</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShyAudacity/pseuds/ShyAudacity'>ShyAudacity</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Buck Centric, Buck needs a hug, Canon Compliant, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Other, Protective Bobby Nash, if im missing any tags pls tell me</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 15:54:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,374</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23533462</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShyAudacity/pseuds/ShyAudacity</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>For someone who said he wanted to talk he’s not saying much.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>After a minute, Bobby finally prompts him. “Buck,” he says, gently. “What was it you wanted to talk about?”</p><p>Buck looks almost startled when he looks up again- like he forgot Bobby was even in the room with him. It takes Buck another second but he finally says: </p><p>“…my dad just died.”</p><p>It comes out more like a question than a statement and Bobby swears that all the air and light leaves the room in a second. That’s not where he expected this conversation to go- not even close.</p><p>“Oh, God, Buck, I’m- I’m sorry.”</p><p>OR</p><p>Buck is having A Bad Day and Bobby is there for him when he needs it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Firehouse 118 Crew, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>760</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>there's a grief that can't be spoken</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">


        <li>
            Inspired by

            <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/21063353">Of Bikes and Concussions</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/datleggy/pseuds/datleggy">datleggy</a>.
        </li>

    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is super short but hey it's what I got right now. I need more "Buck and Bobby looking out for each other" fics in my life.</p><p>Unbeta'd and title from Empty Chairs and Empty Tables (Les Mis).</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The only reason Bobby notices that Buck is late coming into shift is because he can’t remember the last time that it happened.</p><p>It’s a quarter past eight when Buck walks in- not the ridiculously late by any means, but late nonetheless. He’s improved quite a lot on that front since he first started. He remembers when it was like pulling teeth trying to get Buck just to follow an order, let alone show up for shift on time.</p><p>Bobby watches him come into the firehouse from his seat at the table; Buck heads straight into the locker room without stopping to say good morning first like usual.</p><p><em>Huh</em>, Bobby thinks to himself, <em>that’s not like him. Something must be bothering him.</em> He doesn’t think much else of it; they’ve all been known to have an off day from time to time and Buck has always been one to wear his heart on his sleeve. It’s one of the qualities Bobby admires most about him. If Buck wants to talk about whatever is going on, he will.</p><p>It’s another twenty minutes before Buck makes his way up to the loft area- just long enough for Bobby to wonder what’s taking him so long to get dressed. When he finally appears, there’s a blank, almost haunted look in his eye that sets Bobby’s teeth on edge. It’s only been two days since he’s last seen Buck, what possibly could have happened that he doesn’t already know about?</p><p>“Hey, Buck,” Chimney says, tone teasing. “Where’ve you been? Shift is already over.”  </p><p>Hen laughs a little, but Buck ignores the jab in favor of walking over to wear Bobby is seated. Quietly, he asks, “Can I talk to you for a minute?”</p><p>There’s something familiar in his tone, but Bobby can’t place what it is. “Yeah, sure thing, Buck.” He gets up without thinking twice about it, his omelet left half-eaten and lukewarm on his plate. He doesn’t look back at his team, not wanting to tip them off just yet that something could be wrong here.</p><p>Bobby starts running over all the possibilities in his head as they walk into his office. Is it something with the blood thinners or Buck’s leg? Does he need to have another surgery? Bobby’s almost afraid to find out; the firehouse isn’t the same when Buck’s not there.  </p><p>Bobby shuts the door behind him, even though the glass does little to keep any true privacy. He leans against the edge of his desk, watching as Buck wrings his hand together over and over again, staring blankly at the floor.</p><p>
  <em>For someone who said he wanted to talk he’s not saying much. </em>
</p><p>After a minute, Bobby finally prompts him. “Buck,” he says, gently. “What was it you wanted to talk about?”</p><p>Buck looks almost startled when he looks up again- like he forgot Bobby was even in the room with him. It takes Buck another second but he finally says: </p><p>“…my dad just died.”</p><p>It comes out more like a question than a statement and Bobby swears that all the air and light leaves the room in a second. That’s not where he expected this conversation to go- not even close.</p><p>“Oh, God, Buck, I’m- I’m sorry.”</p><p>Buck barely reacts to Bobby’s condolence. He’s not crying, but he’s obviously not happy either- disoriented, more than anything, it seems. His jaw works for a while. Buck’s eyes trail aimlessly around the room before settling on Bobby again. “I don’t um... I’m not sure what to do now.”  </p><p>There’s a sad, almost desperate edge to the end of Buck’s sentence and <em>goddammit</em> Bobby can’t stand there any longer and do nothing. He puts his arms around Buck’s frame without thinking twice about it. Buck doesn’t move at all, just stands there stiff and still as a statue, his own arms hanging at his sides.</p><p>“Bobby, I-.”</p><p>“Take your time, Buck. It’s okay.”</p><p>Buck starts trembling against him a few seconds later, gripping at Bobby’s arms and shoulders like it’s the only thing that’s keeping him standing. When his breaths start coming out shaky and stilted, Bobby just holds on tighter and hopes that the pressure helps. When Buck lets his head slip to his shoulder, Bobby moves his hand to the back of Buck’s neck, squeezing periodically.</p><p>Over Buck’s shoulder, he can see the rest of his team looking in from the loft, all of them wearing concerned faces. Chimney is on the phone; Bobby watches his mouth make the words <em>Maddie</em> and <em>their dad just</em>- and all of them go pale in a second, their eyes growing wide. Bobby just shakes his head at them, sending a silent <em>don’t come in here, not yet. Not until I know it’s okay. </em> </p><p>Bobby gives it another minute before he moves Buck into a chair, standing behind him with his hands still on his shoulders. Buck’s own hands grapple at his short hair, fingers digging into his skull as he tries to curl in on himself.</p><p>He can’t remember Buck ever mentioning his parents before- not once. Judging by his reaction, there’s a pretty good reason for that. Bobby privately wondered before what the story was there, but he knew better than to ask when information can instead be offered. Now though, he’s almost wishing he had brought it up- maybe he could’ve helped somehow.   </p><p>When Buck starts mumbling, Bobby can’t understand half of it but he tries his best to listen anyway.</p><p>“A stroke,” Buck says after a while, clearer than before. “The man smoked every day for forty years and he has a damn <em>stroke</em>.” There’s an angry edge to his voice now, but Bobby doesn’t stop him. “Didn’t care that I nearly failed out of high school but he’ll throw a dish across the room if he can’t find his cigarettes.”</p><p>Bobby’s eyes fall to a faded scar on the back of Buck’s head, just behind the shell of his right ear. Jagged and long since healed over- Bobby feels his blood boil at the thought of someone doing that to him. He’s such a good kid, how could anyone-</p><p>“I was so mad at him, Bobby.” Buck’s voice is smaller than he’s ever heard before. “All the time. I just needed him to be <em>my dad</em> for<em> one minute</em> and now he’s… I’m so tired of being <em>angry</em> with him. I don’t know how to do this-.”</p><p>Bobby cuts him off for the sake of asking, “How can I help right now, Buck? What can I do?”</p><p>His whole body shudders. Buck pulls a hand away from his head to grip Bobby’s wrist before he whispers, “Please don’t go anywhere.”</p><p>“Of course, kid. Whatever you need.”</p><p>Bobby doesn’t say anything else after that and neither does Buck. Neither one of them makes a sound until Buck tells him it’s okay to let the others in. His voice is still wet as he says, “Hen is probably dying to give me a hug, don't make her wait any longer, Cap.”</p><p>Bobby doesn’t leave. He just looks over his shoulder and gives them all a nod and watches as they all scramble to get up from the couches.</p><p>To no one’s surprise, Eddie is the first one in the door. He wraps his arms around Buck as soon as he’s on his feet; Bobby’s kept quiet on his suspicions of something happening there. The gentleness that Eddie’s holding Buck with now and the quiet <em>“Baby, I’m so sorry,”</em> he lets out only furthermore proves Bobby’s point. Still, he says nothing; now is not the time for making a show of all that. There’ll be time for that later when Buck’s world hasn’t just been tipped on its side <em>again</em>.</p><p>For now, Bobby just watches the little makeshift family that they’ve all put together, proud of their ability to show up for one another when one of them needs it. They speak quietly amongst themselves, reminding Buck again and again that he’s not alone in any of this, not by a long shot.</p><p>It’s a hard day, sure- but Bobby’s glad to be here. He's glad that Buck trusts him enough to ask for help and lean on him when he needs it most. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Not sure how I feel about that ending but again, it's what I got. </p><p>Hey! Thanks for reading my fic! Comments/Kudos are appreciated and encouraged. Leave a prompt if you're interested. Have a great day (and stay safe out there)!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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